Why?

     When I asked my ex why she left me, why she cheated on me for weeks, she gave me a whole slew of reasons. I don't believe any of them now.
     The first thing she told me, before I found out about the cheating, was that she was unhappy, and had been for 7 months, we had only dated for 10. I believed this at first, I don't know why, probably because nothing else made sense to me. Now just to clear this up, I would do anything in the world for her to make her happy. I'm the kind of guy that would surprise her at work, that would wake her up to tell her I love her. I'm the kind of guy that would do anything as long as it's with her or for her. I would  cuddle with her for the whole day if I could. I'm the kind of guy that wouldn't give her back her bobby pin she left at my house because I wanted something I could have with me to always remind me of her. I'm the kind of guy that looks at other girls and compares them all to the one I'm with, and no one every comes close to being as amazing as the girl I get to call mine. I'm not controlling, or invasive. I didn't tell he she can't do things or hang out with certain people. I didn't read through her texts or stalk her facebook. I didn't idolize her even if my description made it seem that way. I didn't manipulate her or make her do things she didn't want to do. I trusted her completely.
     About halfway through our relationship two people texted me and told me they were positive my ex had cheated on me with some guy she went to school with. I didn't believe it then, I do now, but at the time I didn't jump to conclusion or assumptions. I trusted my girlfriend and just asked her about it. I told her that a couple people told me that she had cheated on me with this kid. She said she had heard that rumor too and that it wasn't true, that it was some guy that liked her in high school and he started the rumor.
     I talked to her all the time about everything, especially the things that concerned our future and my feelings. Our relationship started as a friendship, helping each other get over the people we dated previously. The guy she was with was not a nice person, he cheated on her and wasn't very caring and I know my ex didn't love him. The girl I was with, well it's a long story, but I loved her and it was heartbreaking when she left. So my ex and I spent a lot of time together, baking cookies and other food, watching movies, going out to eat. Eventually we talked about dating, and I just kissed her, and she kissed me back and that's how our relationship started. We took things slow, and even though it was a sort of bounce back relationship, we fell in love. I talked to her about our future a lot too, my cousin was planning to move to Florida and to go to the University of Central Florida. I had dropped out of college, like him, because I was unsure of what I wanted to do, and I though about moving to Florida with him and going to UCF also. Before I did anything else I talked to my ex about it as a possibility. She said, without any hesitation at all, that she would love to move down with me.
    I've never been so happy in my life.  I was so excite to move in with her, so be able to fall asleep every night holding her in my arms, or her holding me as she liked to do. I was so excited to wake up next to her every morning and kiss her until she woke up so I could tell her "I love you." I've been on quite the tangent, anyway the point is I never made her unhappy, I've had nothing but time to reread our conversations, and to go over our entire relationship in my head, she wasn't unhappy, she isn't that good of an actor. Once I found out she had cheated on me, I knew I was right.
     That's when all the other excuses came in, the stupidest one by far was that we had too much sex, and it was all we did anymore. I don't have to say much about this to prove it was a lie. If that were really true, the solution wouldn't be to cheat on me. That doesn't make any sense, why would you go out and have drunken sex with multiple guys, if you felt we had too much sex.
     Next she told me we didn't go out and do things anymore. To be fair to her, we did less then we had over the summer. Quite simply it was winter, I hate the cold and actively avoid being cold at all costs, thus why my room is at a constant and toasty eighty degrees all the time. We did still do things, we still went out to the diner at 2 a.m. at least once a week. We still went out to get sushi. We had just gone to a hockey game with one of the guys she would cheat on me with. We had just got back from a week in New York. We still saw each other most days of the week, either going out or she would come over and we would spend time together up until she started cheating on me. We hadn't gone to see any movies in awhile, we hadn't gone bowling or ice skating either, or done much with our friends. That never seemed to bother her, she never showed any sign or said anything to me about not going out as much. I never thought much of it because I knew why I didn't want to go out. She rarely ever invited me to do anything, it was usually me making plans and setting things up. It didn't really bother me, though it was mildly annoying that whenever I asked her what she wanted to do the answer was always some variation of "I don't care, whatever you want to do," so we always did what I wanted to do. So yes we went out less with our friends, but we still saw each other as much as we always had, a very flimsy excuse.
     Next she told me she felt like a second choice to the girl I was with before her. It's true that I still loved the girl I was with, I still love her. She was an important part of my life and helped shape me into the person I am. She knew going into that relationship that I still had feelings for the girl before her. I told her that and she didn't mind. When my ex and I started dating I still wanted to be with the girl before her, but that feeling died away. I still love her like a sister, but I don't want to be with her, and I told me ex that. By the end of the summer I was completely head over heels for my ex, I didn't think about the  girl before her anymore. So I know my ex didn't feel like a second choice, I know she was grasping for any excuse she could throw at me and at our friends. While she was coming up with all these reasons she was also convincing our friends of them, to make me out to be some monster that deserved to be cheated on, they all believe her. She didn't want her friends to hate her, so she made them hate me.
     The final straw was telling my "friends" that I had raped her. We had a lot of sex, and I'm not quite sure if she meant I raped her just once, or every time, but I certainly never did in reality. She needed something to convince herself and everyone she told that I was a worse kind of person then her for cheating. She lied to everyone we knew, I stopped talking to them when they obviously believed the other lies she told them, but I like to hope they don't believe that one. I doesn't really matter to me if they do or not honestly, my ex convinced herself of it and that's all that matters. My best friend believed it too, that did hurt. He was one of the guys she cheated on me with, so I have to believe he's just biased, but it still kills me.
     I know my ex, I know these excuses are all lies. I'm not perfect, there are things I could have done better, but my mistakes don't even scratch the surface of the ocean of lies she's convinced herself of. I believe she feels guilty. The first time with each guy she was drunk, I think she felt so guilty after what she did that she didn't know what to do. She was scared to confront me about it, who wouldn't be? Doing something like that makes people irrational. I know I would have been angry with her, but I wouldn't have broken up with her. I think she felt guilty and trapped and the only thing she could do was keep cheating on me, because it meant she didn't have to tell me. She kept being with that guy and convincing herself of her lies so she could drown out her guilt. When she texted me to tell me she was breaking up with me, she wouldn't meet me to talk in person, she barely even texted me. She tried to pretend that I didn't exist so her mistakes wouldn't matter, so she wouldn't have to live with them. Instead I do, I have to cry myself to sleep every night, I have to wake up every morning feeling hopeless and lost, I have to do through my days without a purpose. I have to convince myself everyday that I shouldn't try and kill myself, and that one day things will get better.