I'm Stuck

     Despite everything that she has done to me, and all the mean and awful things I said to her in that first week, I still love her with all my heart. While she was spending weeks cheating on me, I was thinking about asking her to marry me. Every year my family goes on a vacation during the summer, usually to the beach, the Jersey Shore more specifically. I was going to ask my now ex to come to the beach with us, which isn't unusual for me to do. She and I did everything together, went everywhere together, we experiences life together, and I wanted to keep doing that for the rest of our lives. I wanted to ask her to marry me at the  beach. I was going to pick a day and have her parents and maybe her close friends come to the shore one night and hide themselves on the beach so she wouldn't notice. Then when I asked the question, assuming she would say yes, her friends and family would surprise her by being there.

     That beach trip is coming up soon, at the end of July, and I'm dreading it. I had imagined a thousand ways to ask her to marry me, and I'll just be running through all of those scenarios in my head each day at the beach. Everything will remind me of her, which is normal, but at the beach I won't have much to distract me like I do at home. I won't be working, I won't have my computer, and I can't just hide away from my family. On the plus side, none of those things work very well anyway so it won't be that much more difficult. 

     My ex was everything to me, she still is, she was the most important person in my life. More then any of my friends or family to be honest. My parents got a divorce when I was young, 2 maybe 3 years old I don't remember, and I moved around a lot, between states and between families. I learned not to relay on my family, or the friends I made knowing I would lose them eventually. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, they are great and amazing people, it's just that due to my circumstances, moving between them on school breaks, and even switching which parent I lived with for school ( in a different state altogether) inevitably caused me to feel left out. When we would have family get together with my family in New York, which is my Dad for the record, there would always be those stories I never heard that they reference, the inside jokes I won't get, that feeling like I'm only here because I'm not with my Mom in Pennsylvania, and that feeling works both ways.

     With my ex, everything was different. I was 21 when we started dating, certainly old enough to make my own decisions, and she was 18 and also did what she wanted to do. Now that might sound weird but I have only had one other girlfriend and it was in tenth grade, so we couldn't really do whatever we wanted. By my ex and I, we were two halves of the same whole. When I would go to New York to visit my Dad, I would bring her with me, not once did I go without her. I always found a way for her to come up with me, I wouldn't go without her. She was like a bridge between my two families, my two lives. No matter where I was, she was a constant, always a part of my life, I didn't feel like I was living without her. She gave me this sense of belonging that I had only recently discovered. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere, I just felt like I was at one place or another because I was suppose to be, not because I wanted to be. I didn't hate that feeling or anything like that, I just didn't know I could feel different until I met the first girl I fell in Love with (not the ex this blog is about just for clarification). She, like my ex after here, made me feel like I wanted to be there with her, I had a desire to be at one particualar place over another. I felt like I belonged there with her.

     Now that my ex left me, I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and that scare me. When I was younger I didn't know I could feel any different but now I do, now I know just how greener the grass is on the other side. For me, feeling like I belong somewhere, feeling like I belong with someone, being in love with someone who in turn loves me just as much, is absolutly euphoric. Nothing in the world that I have thus far encountered has made me feel anything close to the happyness I experianced with my ex. Nothing else in the world mattered, I wasn't scared about the future, I wasn't worries about building a career. I knew I would do anything to make her happy, to make our future wonderful, to make sure our future children would grow up safe and secure. With her I knew I could pick anything and even If I would normaly have hated every minute of it, I wouldn't because of her. She made everything better. The only bad days I had were the ones I didn't get to see her, when all I could do was just talk or text her. I loved going to New York with her because for that week we would be in the same house, we could be together all the time. Nearly every morning she would wake up before me and go downstairs and sit on this green couch in our living room. She would get some tea or coffee and talk with whoever else was awake, but she would wait until I got up. Once I woke up I would come upstairs and lay down on that green couch with my head on her lap and I would wrap my arms around her and cuddle with her while she would play with my hair. We would do that every morning, and I loved it. I didn't like being the first one up, because going up stairs and see that green couch empty was so sad, even though I knew she would be down soon, I just missed her and I'd lay there wating. Now that couch just torments me, everymorning I have to see it empty, and I know that no matter how long I lay down and wait, she won't be coming downstairs, I won't get to hold her, I won't get to kiss her, I won't get to tell her that I love her, like I use to.

     Some other guy who was once my friends is doing that now, telling her he loves her, and she's telling him that she loves him. That kills me, more then the cheating, more then the lies, that's what hurts the most, watching the person I love more then anyone else, more then myself, love someone else. 

     All the while I have conviced myself that she can't truly love him, nor he love her. Their relationship is based off of cheating on me, lying to me, hating me. Their love, is based on a bed of lies and drunken sex. Everyone I've told that too has told me I should be happy about that, knowing their relationship probably won't last, but I'm not happy. I'm sad that her heart will be broken, and i'm angry that I can't do anything about it. All I want is for her to be happy, but of course the problem with that is that so long as it's someone else making her happy, I won't be.