Why?

     When I asked my ex why she left me, why she cheated on me for weeks, she gave me a whole slew of reasons. I don't believe any of them now.
     The first thing she told me, before I found out about the cheating, was that she was unhappy, and had been for 7 months, we had only dated for 10. I believed this at first, I don't know why, probably because nothing else made sense to me. Now just to clear this up, I would do anything in the world for her to make her happy. I'm the kind of guy that would surprise her at work, that would wake her up to tell her I love her. I'm the kind of guy that would do anything as long as it's with her or for her. I would  cuddle with her for the whole day if I could. I'm the kind of guy that wouldn't give her back her bobby pin she left at my house because I wanted something I could have with me to always remind me of her. I'm the kind of guy that looks at other girls and compares them all to the one I'm with, and no one every comes close to being as amazing as the girl I get to call mine. I'm not controlling, or invasive. I didn't tell he she can't do things or hang out with certain people. I didn't read through her texts or stalk her facebook. I didn't idolize her even if my description made it seem that way. I didn't manipulate her or make her do things she didn't want to do. I trusted her completely.
     About halfway through our relationship two people texted me and told me they were positive my ex had cheated on me with some guy she went to school with. I didn't believe it then, I do now, but at the time I didn't jump to conclusion or assumptions. I trusted my girlfriend and just asked her about it. I told her that a couple people told me that she had cheated on me with this kid. She said she had heard that rumor too and that it wasn't true, that it was some guy that liked her in high school and he started the rumor.
     I talked to her all the time about everything, especially the things that concerned our future and my feelings. Our relationship started as a friendship, helping each other get over the people we dated previously. The guy she was with was not a nice person, he cheated on her and wasn't very caring and I know my ex didn't love him. The girl I was with, well it's a long story, but I loved her and it was heartbreaking when she left. So my ex and I spent a lot of time together, baking cookies and other food, watching movies, going out to eat. Eventually we talked about dating, and I just kissed her, and she kissed me back and that's how our relationship started. We took things slow, and even though it was a sort of bounce back relationship, we fell in love. I talked to her about our future a lot too, my cousin was planning to move to Florida and to go to the University of Central Florida. I had dropped out of college, like him, because I was unsure of what I wanted to do, and I though about moving to Florida with him and going to UCF also. Before I did anything else I talked to my ex about it as a possibility. She said, without any hesitation at all, that she would love to move down with me.
    I've never been so happy in my life.  I was so excite to move in with her, so be able to fall asleep every night holding her in my arms, or her holding me as she liked to do. I was so excited to wake up next to her every morning and kiss her until she woke up so I could tell her "I love you." I've been on quite the tangent, anyway the point is I never made her unhappy, I've had nothing but time to reread our conversations, and to go over our entire relationship in my head, she wasn't unhappy, she isn't that good of an actor. Once I found out she had cheated on me, I knew I was right.
     That's when all the other excuses came in, the stupidest one by far was that we had too much sex, and it was all we did anymore. I don't have to say much about this to prove it was a lie. If that were really true, the solution wouldn't be to cheat on me. That doesn't make any sense, why would you go out and have drunken sex with multiple guys, if you felt we had too much sex.
     Next she told me we didn't go out and do things anymore. To be fair to her, we did less then we had over the summer. Quite simply it was winter, I hate the cold and actively avoid being cold at all costs, thus why my room is at a constant and toasty eighty degrees all the time. We did still do things, we still went out to the diner at 2 a.m. at least once a week. We still went out to get sushi. We had just gone to a hockey game with one of the guys she would cheat on me with. We had just got back from a week in New York. We still saw each other most days of the week, either going out or she would come over and we would spend time together up until she started cheating on me. We hadn't gone to see any movies in awhile, we hadn't gone bowling or ice skating either, or done much with our friends. That never seemed to bother her, she never showed any sign or said anything to me about not going out as much. I never thought much of it because I knew why I didn't want to go out. She rarely ever invited me to do anything, it was usually me making plans and setting things up. It didn't really bother me, though it was mildly annoying that whenever I asked her what she wanted to do the answer was always some variation of "I don't care, whatever you want to do," so we always did what I wanted to do. So yes we went out less with our friends, but we still saw each other as much as we always had, a very flimsy excuse.
     Next she told me she felt like a second choice to the girl I was with before her. It's true that I still loved the girl I was with, I still love her. She was an important part of my life and helped shape me into the person I am. She knew going into that relationship that I still had feelings for the girl before her. I told her that and she didn't mind. When my ex and I started dating I still wanted to be with the girl before her, but that feeling died away. I still love her like a sister, but I don't want to be with her, and I told me ex that. By the end of the summer I was completely head over heels for my ex, I didn't think about the  girl before her anymore. So I know my ex didn't feel like a second choice, I know she was grasping for any excuse she could throw at me and at our friends. While she was coming up with all these reasons she was also convincing our friends of them, to make me out to be some monster that deserved to be cheated on, they all believe her. She didn't want her friends to hate her, so she made them hate me.
     The final straw was telling my "friends" that I had raped her. We had a lot of sex, and I'm not quite sure if she meant I raped her just once, or every time, but I certainly never did in reality. She needed something to convince herself and everyone she told that I was a worse kind of person then her for cheating. She lied to everyone we knew, I stopped talking to them when they obviously believed the other lies she told them, but I like to hope they don't believe that one. I doesn't really matter to me if they do or not honestly, my ex convinced herself of it and that's all that matters. My best friend believed it too, that did hurt. He was one of the guys she cheated on me with, so I have to believe he's just biased, but it still kills me.
     I know my ex, I know these excuses are all lies. I'm not perfect, there are things I could have done better, but my mistakes don't even scratch the surface of the ocean of lies she's convinced herself of. I believe she feels guilty. The first time with each guy she was drunk, I think she felt so guilty after what she did that she didn't know what to do. She was scared to confront me about it, who wouldn't be? Doing something like that makes people irrational. I know I would have been angry with her, but I wouldn't have broken up with her. I think she felt guilty and trapped and the only thing she could do was keep cheating on me, because it meant she didn't have to tell me. She kept being with that guy and convincing herself of her lies so she could drown out her guilt. When she texted me to tell me she was breaking up with me, she wouldn't meet me to talk in person, she barely even texted me. She tried to pretend that I didn't exist so her mistakes wouldn't matter, so she wouldn't have to live with them. Instead I do, I have to cry myself to sleep every night, I have to wake up every morning feeling hopeless and lost, I have to do through my days without a purpose. I have to convince myself everyday that I shouldn't try and kill myself, and that one day things will get better. 

I'm Stuck

     Despite everything that she has done to me, and all the mean and awful things I said to her in that first week, I still love her with all my heart. While she was spending weeks cheating on me, I was thinking about asking her to marry me. Every year my family goes on a vacation during the summer, usually to the beach, the Jersey Shore more specifically. I was going to ask my now ex to come to the beach with us, which isn't unusual for me to do. She and I did everything together, went everywhere together, we experiences life together, and I wanted to keep doing that for the rest of our lives. I wanted to ask her to marry me at the  beach. I was going to pick a day and have her parents and maybe her close friends come to the shore one night and hide themselves on the beach so she wouldn't notice. Then when I asked the question, assuming she would say yes, her friends and family would surprise her by being there.

     That beach trip is coming up soon, at the end of July, and I'm dreading it. I had imagined a thousand ways to ask her to marry me, and I'll just be running through all of those scenarios in my head each day at the beach. Everything will remind me of her, which is normal, but at the beach I won't have much to distract me like I do at home. I won't be working, I won't have my computer, and I can't just hide away from my family. On the plus side, none of those things work very well anyway so it won't be that much more difficult. 

     My ex was everything to me, she still is, she was the most important person in my life. More then any of my friends or family to be honest. My parents got a divorce when I was young, 2 maybe 3 years old I don't remember, and I moved around a lot, between states and between families. I learned not to relay on my family, or the friends I made knowing I would lose them eventually. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, they are great and amazing people, it's just that due to my circumstances, moving between them on school breaks, and even switching which parent I lived with for school ( in a different state altogether) inevitably caused me to feel left out. When we would have family get together with my family in New York, which is my Dad for the record, there would always be those stories I never heard that they reference, the inside jokes I won't get, that feeling like I'm only here because I'm not with my Mom in Pennsylvania, and that feeling works both ways.

     With my ex, everything was different. I was 21 when we started dating, certainly old enough to make my own decisions, and she was 18 and also did what she wanted to do. Now that might sound weird but I have only had one other girlfriend and it was in tenth grade, so we couldn't really do whatever we wanted. By my ex and I, we were two halves of the same whole. When I would go to New York to visit my Dad, I would bring her with me, not once did I go without her. I always found a way for her to come up with me, I wouldn't go without her. She was like a bridge between my two families, my two lives. No matter where I was, she was a constant, always a part of my life, I didn't feel like I was living without her. She gave me this sense of belonging that I had only recently discovered. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere, I just felt like I was at one place or another because I was suppose to be, not because I wanted to be. I didn't hate that feeling or anything like that, I just didn't know I could feel different until I met the first girl I fell in Love with (not the ex this blog is about just for clarification). She, like my ex after here, made me feel like I wanted to be there with her, I had a desire to be at one particualar place over another. I felt like I belonged there with her.

     Now that my ex left me, I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and that scare me. When I was younger I didn't know I could feel any different but now I do, now I know just how greener the grass is on the other side. For me, feeling like I belong somewhere, feeling like I belong with someone, being in love with someone who in turn loves me just as much, is absolutly euphoric. Nothing in the world that I have thus far encountered has made me feel anything close to the happyness I experianced with my ex. Nothing else in the world mattered, I wasn't scared about the future, I wasn't worries about building a career. I knew I would do anything to make her happy, to make our future wonderful, to make sure our future children would grow up safe and secure. With her I knew I could pick anything and even If I would normaly have hated every minute of it, I wouldn't because of her. She made everything better. The only bad days I had were the ones I didn't get to see her, when all I could do was just talk or text her. I loved going to New York with her because for that week we would be in the same house, we could be together all the time. Nearly every morning she would wake up before me and go downstairs and sit on this green couch in our living room. She would get some tea or coffee and talk with whoever else was awake, but she would wait until I got up. Once I woke up I would come upstairs and lay down on that green couch with my head on her lap and I would wrap my arms around her and cuddle with her while she would play with my hair. We would do that every morning, and I loved it. I didn't like being the first one up, because going up stairs and see that green couch empty was so sad, even though I knew she would be down soon, I just missed her and I'd lay there wating. Now that couch just torments me, everymorning I have to see it empty, and I know that no matter how long I lay down and wait, she won't be coming downstairs, I won't get to hold her, I won't get to kiss her, I won't get to tell her that I love her, like I use to.

     Some other guy who was once my friends is doing that now, telling her he loves her, and she's telling him that she loves him. That kills me, more then the cheating, more then the lies, that's what hurts the most, watching the person I love more then anyone else, more then myself, love someone else. 

     All the while I have conviced myself that she can't truly love him, nor he love her. Their relationship is based off of cheating on me, lying to me, hating me. Their love, is based on a bed of lies and drunken sex. Everyone I've told that too has told me I should be happy about that, knowing their relationship probably won't last, but I'm not happy. I'm sad that her heart will be broken, and i'm angry that I can't do anything about it. All I want is for her to be happy, but of course the problem with that is that so long as it's someone else making her happy, I won't be.

It's Been Four Months

     It's been four months since my ex left me. She sent me a text to tell me, right around Valentine's Day. It was sudden and surprising to me, I thought everything was perfect in our relationship. For three weeks prior to her leaving me I hadn't seen her at all, she was busy with work, going out with some friends, and babysitting for her sister. At least that's what she told me, it was only after she broke up with me that I learned she had been cheating on me for just shy of a month, with two different "friends" of mine. Instead of spending time with me, she decided it was more fun to get drunk and have sex with my friends.

     She left me to date one of them, it was the one she didn't pick that ended up feeling guilty enough to tell me about what she was doing. I've never been more angry and upset in my life. I was so angry with her, so frustrated, I didn't know how to handle it; I still don't. It's been four months and all I feel is an ever deepaning sadness. I never had a lot of friends, just a few close ones, but they decided a good lay with my drunk girlfriend was more important then our friendship. I have a few friends I talk to and vent too, but they can only help so much.

     Nothing I have tried as helped ease the pain. Everyone tells me it will get better with time but it has only gotten worse. One friend who has gone through a tough breakup herself, told me that eventually I'll get use to being alone. That thought scares me to death. Nothing compares to the happyness and joy from living for more then just yourself. She and I lived for each other, I would have done anything for her to make her happy, I still would. She told me and acted like she felt the same. I still believe that the girl I dated is still in her somewhere, buried under all the guilt and lies she's convinced herself of.

     The first week or so after I said so many mean things to her. I knew they were mean, I knew I would feel guilty about saying them, but at the time I didn't care. I barely slept more then two hours a night, I cried myself to sleep eventually after just lying in bed thinking to myself. Yelling at her, calling her a stupid slut, it made me feel better, it was my little revenge to get me through the night. I hated calling her names or being mean to her, but I was so angry at her that I couldn't hold it in, in my mind she deserved it. I told her she was lucky I wasn't a scumbag that would try and publicly humiliate her by any means. I told her she was lucky I would never put the naked pictures she sent me up on Facebook, we met at our job, and thus had a lot of the same friends, it would have been easy to get revenge against her. She had sent me a lot of naked or suggestive pictures, more then she probably knew due to how many were from when she got drunk and wanted to have sex.

     Despite what I told her I wanted more and more to post the pictues, each day was more painful then the last and there was nothing I could do. I didn't have any friends, I had quit my job and hadn't found a new one yet, and wasn't going to school at the time. I sat in my room day in and day out in pain thinkinh about her and how she could do all this to me.  never did post the pictues, I knew I never would, revenge is never the answer. As the days got harder and harder to get through though, I certainly threatened her with posting them. I knew it was wrong then and I knew I would feel bad about it, but I still didn't care. I needed something to make me smile, I was using bully tactics. I knew I wouldn't post them, but I made her fear it and that's just as terrible of a thing to do.

     She actually found a picture of her in her underwear that was posted on some twitter account, one of those random accounts were girls, for some reason, send in nudes to show off what they have. She was mad at me, thinking I had posted it. It actually made me happy because I knew I hadn't, and I knew she sent that in one night when she was drunk. I proved that too her, I sent her the picture she had sent me that night, same underwear, same room, same pose. It was from snapchat and the time was different on mine then on the one she found. I also found our text conversation from that night and sent her screenshots of it. She was beyond drunk, I couldn't even make out what she was saying. This all made me feel happy because I got to show her that she was changing, and doing these things to herself. She had convinced herself that I deseved to be cheated on, but I most certianly did not, no one deserve that, but that's a story for another day. She coundn't admit that she was wrong, she couldn't believe that she sent in that picture and didn't remember doing it. I think she did remember doing it though, I think she just wanted to make me feel bad about telling her I would post those pictues, which I probably deserved. I knew she was desperate when she sent me another picture that she allegadly found on the internet. It wasn't a screen shot of a snapchat or webpage it was just the picture, like it came right from the gallery on her phone. It looked exactly like the copy on my phone. I called her out on it, I told her I know she didn't find it on the internet, she just sent it to me from her phone. She told me that one of the guys she cheated on me with found it, the guy she didn't pick to keep fucking who I will refer to as Guy B from now on. I know he didn't find it, but to call her out more I told her to show me the website he got it from. She didn't even bother responding.

     Anyway my one friend told me writing things down helps her deal with the pain, it's been over two years since she had her heart shattered and she still isn't whole again, which doesn't really speak well for this method of coping. Desperate times call for desperate measures however; and I am certainly desperate for anything to make this better.